My Journal, 1971
Thurs 21-1-71.
Change.
Now that philosophy is being changed, tentatively or experimentally only, I must admit. The key here is
the question of diet. In Nietzsche's spirit-evolution of camel, lion and child, my previous philosophy
was the camel with some lion-characteristics: fight, hit-out, Oerlikon, at maintaining the camel's
burden: namely a system full of toxins. The experimental idea offers the hope of throwing-off the
burden, by a lion-like dangerous, courageous experiment - fruitarianism, to reach the unburdened,
untoxic, child-like pinnacle.
In any case, the Oerlikon philosophy will still be applicable to snags and rocks arising in the future
in other contexts, but it may become less applicable as these rocks become less prevalent: the child
will get his chance to simply exist on a higher, perhaps a creative level.
The hope of reaching such a state of being, a pinnacle vaguely imagined as possible by so many idealists
(e.g. Anthem) without any realisation of what it depended on (simply no poisoning yourself) - we see
that when we shall be on this pinnacle, we shall be so strong vis-a-vis so many of the things which give
pain - mainly people and society.
Where are we going? To paradise (to the earth of fruit).
When I arrive at this earth, I shall say: "This is paradise!"
Fri 22-1-71: Fast.
Here a 36 hour fast did not seem to accomplish much: my blast meal was high-protein, a tin of fish,
onion, tomato, dried sausage, beer... then a night, day and night of dry fast - no symptoms other than
weakness appeared - I broke the fast with 3 largish peaches and 3 largish apples, eating 8.40 a.m. to
9.00 a.m.: now I had no shit at all during the fast, and only at 10.00 a.m. did I have a shit - the most
ordinary and unperistaltic kind imaginable.
It seems strange that I, who have never had any gastric trouble or trouble with omnivorous diets, should
be experimenting now - but I feel that the resistance to experiment which I experience is rather the
greed for all nice things and not too important. I am not pleased with my health at Stellenbosch (a
consequence of abandoning breakfast of oats, honey and milk?)
For such experiments as fruitarianism and yoga, one wants perceptiveness and steadfastness: watch and
judge the position carefully, and do not give in too easily in the face of possibly temporary
difficulties.
Thurs 28-1-71
A walk: beach Milnerton lighthouse to first restaurant on Blouberg road. 10.30 - 12 noon. Had an orange juice for 10c, and walked back.
Another philosophical viewpoint:
An attempt to give a comprehensive starting point for philosophy:
We may certainly assume that there are many things, whatever these things may be, and we may compare them to pieces on a chessboard. But we must not necessarily assume that we have to play a game of chess with them. We can refuse to think, and not become involved: and then we may see that something acts through us, seemingly, and makes us do certain moves, which from a chess point of view may be good or bad. I say from a chess point of view. But in chess there is a clearly defined goal - what is the corresponding goal in life? This we don't know. We are quite at liberty to deny the existence of any goal, or just as free to postulate any goal we care to. Here is the starting point, and we start from a free choice (relatively, at any rate).
Sun 31-1-71
Today at about 5.30 p.m. I abandoned the pure fruit (with some vegs as transition) diet: I ate dried meat, chocolate, biscuits, sausage,,bacon, steak, etc, etc. This is the end of this experiment which started on Thurs 21.1.71 with a fast, followed by fruit and veg diet.
I have learnt lessons: the fruit diet will definitely lead to a condition of pure health, happiness - no depression is possible - vigour (my 10 mile walk) - so why on earth abandon it?
This is very hard to understand and is one of the mysteries of the human soul. The death-wish perhaps. Or the delusion of freedom. I saw it mainly as an expression of freedom from the strict regime, to be able to eat what everyone else did, to be able to sink back to their level (Lorna with her sciatica, Jack and John with the pains that suddenly shot through them).
It is hard to see how I will be able to avoid another attempt at becoming a fruitarian. I see that one of the biggest difficulties in the paths of the characters in Krok's book is social fulfilment. I can see how much tension it has been to associate with friends on the lower level of omnivorousness with their obesity, pains, depressions etc.
I must admit that my pre-fruitarian life was a burdened life, my fruitarian week an unburdened one.
There is a great dilemma, a great conflict concealed in this dilemma between the wish (1) to eat fruit only and (2) to add cheese and other ingredients. I will have to spend much more time in the thick of this battle. The barb is this - we only value the toxin-foods while we are off them - they seem attractive then - but the moment you come back to them, they lose their charm.
Perhaps I broke the diet to avoid the separation from Lorna-hulle, and the isolation into my new sphere. Do I really want to go all alone into that new sphere? I think I do. Taht means, back to the fruit diet.
The real nudge-from-fate is this: the moment I stopped my diet, chewing rye bread broke my tooth. My teeth were already becoming weakened by the diet, therefore I say now - onward, to the attack once more! (I never enjoyed the beer tonight, and I must admit that the charms of actually eating all those other foods are really very hollow.)
Seeing that one filling is out, let the others fall out too! Rather than continue my reliance on honey and iodine to keep my colds at bay.
Against this one might argue: why is iodine to be esteemd less highly than fruit as an elixir?
No, the real argument in favour of the fruit is the immediate and intuitive and absolute escape it gives from all those notions of tiredness and futility of living. It allows life to assume its limitless possibilities of interest once more.
This fall from the diet is perhaps a necessary part of the diet: to have fallen once, and immediately gone back, will lessen the likelihood of falling again, since one knows that another fall will simply enable one to see once more the folly of the fall, the short-lived attractiveness of it.
What I don't like about the diet is its putting one out of range so to speak of all the old toxin foods: we cannot really take the strong honey, alcohol and cheese any more, whereas on a toxin base we could!
The truth about fruuit may be this: you are pampering yourself with ppure sugar, thus relieving the system of the load of digestion and elimination. The bread and meat eater needs the cheese and alcohol to stimulate his digestive processes.
There is still something that doesn't make sense: why should we be able to eat mixed fruit and toxins for years on end, and now suffer if we eat fruit only, by the action of fruit on stored toxins? Is it because we are eating more fruit?
It is possible that my emotional states during the diet did not depend on the diet at all, but on the hope of what the diet would yield, and on a reaction from previous emotional states.
Except - there is no denying the purity of the system - the lack of stench in the skin excretions, etc.
(Naturally, eating pure sugar, there is nothing to eliminate. But is it wise to pamper the system permanently? The argument here again in favour of fruit is that because it takes the fruit so long to eliminate the toxins, there must have been a lot of toxins in the body...)
No, the whole subject is deep and dangerous, the sex (life) instinct itself is imperilled, too much asceticism is involved, too much dependence on unproved spiritual states - I have too much of the earthly in me for that. I must use the medicine of honey and vinegar as required to maintain reasonable health.
The truth with the fruit experiment is that it is too long-term - you only see the results in 6 months, and then you may regret them and find them irreversible.
Freedom. But not from impulse. That is pure vacuum. There is no justification for anything (even meditation) apart from sensation. But that sensation may be higher than the sensual.
The real dilemma is this: do I want to move on a sensual or a spiritual plane? The most brilliant answer is to be above, that is indifferent to both.
"Sovereign contempt" (soberano despecho)
One must have no system, no fixed ideas. One must not pursue sensuality, or spirituality. Nor must one resist sensuality, or spirituality. One must blow where the wind listeth, and do everything as naturally as possible. If I ever become a fruitarian, it must be by a natural evolution, not a decision by the mind.
Mon 1-2-71
On the one hand, life with its chains, sexual chains, emotional depression with its enforced inactivity:
on the other hand, real freedom and detachment. A terrible choice to have to make. Or perhaps it simply
does not matter one way or another, whether we feel pain or whether we feel nothing.
One thing the fruit has made very clear is the relativeness of life and its pains: if you like, you can
wash all that away with fruit.
Latest word: The Quest is renewed. Always I am returning to this: I will go for a walk, and I will think
and muse on the Eternal Quest: what next? What is the best, the greatest thing I can undertake to do
next?
Last word: Actually I don't know what the last ten pages are all about, apart from the facts recorded.
The rest is pretty worthless. What happens is very simple, really: I simply follow the strongest urge of
every moment. I think it is wrong if urges are falsely drawn out, if I try to want anything. On the
other hand, certain experiences (such as reading Krok, and experimenting with fruit) do leave an
influence on future urges, sometimes a relatively permanent one.
Ideas are futile in their argument perhaps. If the argument is bad, the idea may still be good. (To try
fruit, or anything for that matter). If the argument is good, that is tempting but it proves nothing.
The proof is in the eating,: that means we ought to experiment continuously and unceasingly in our
lives. Our future impulses will then automatically be seasoned by our experiences.
This morning I did spend R1-30 on bread, butter, sweetmilk cheese, Roquefort cheese and olives; but this
afternoon I aggressively went out and spent R1-25 on apples, grapes, pineapples, peaches and pears. I
had a very strong impulse to eat fruit - stronger than the impulse to eat bread this morning.
Up with greed, hate and aggression. Let me be violent, and hit out. Violent in my determination to
purchase fruit, when I feel the desire for it. Greedy for it, when I feel greed for it.
There is nothing in life except, following the God-given drives. Such as the greed to eat fruit.
To hell with my teeth, for the next months. Let them all fall out, if they like! To hell with them!
Renounce life with its toxin/sex fetters, and you will feel intensely the beauty of the world.
The Claydens are a bad influence, for they do not see beauty enough. Who does?
I am seized with an aggressive impulse, to dissolve all problems, to eat fruit, to do the first by means
of the second.
11-2-71
A slight reaction to external influences (Krishnamurti, Yogi Philosoophy etc) is setting in. I feel I
want to be, first and foremost, myself. Perhaps I will be able to make some improvements by using some
of the ideas of Jarvis, or Krok, or Krishnamurti, or Yogism.But I think I will have to select according
to my most inner nature.
I don't like much, the idea of needing a very specialised diet. Why not? Greed for sensation, I suppose.
All the old associations with the foods I have enjoyed, in so many parts of space and time.
But what is me, basically? The precocious child, emotionally and sexually. The history of my pains ande
happinesses. My highest happiness came simply from love and friendship embracing the simplest elements
of nature: food, sun, sea, natural beauties such as mountains and green grass... all of the earth, and I
think I can decide that there is not enough of any "higher" or more "spiritual" elements in me to make
me long for any "higher" condition than that love of the earth's elements. I am of the element earth.
And love is for me a long suit, as it was for Nessim. Chiledrin.
Oh, perhaps it is true that the fruit gives me more power to endure misery, a loveless condition, and
banishes the deep depressions which are a part of the normal me. But I am on the point of deciding that
I want those depressions. Also I want my ill-health, my periodic fevers and colds. Also I want a higher
degree of sensuality: gourmandism and alcoholism. This is all experience of the earth's multitudes: I am
cut off from enough of that already, by my peculiar naturre, without wanting to cut myself off from
more. I diagnose all this asceticism as a running-away from the pain inherent in a full life. To hell
with the non-depressed states! To me they are too empty.
Despite this decision, it will now be worth my while to prolong my fruit diet experiment, seeing that I
have already lasted so long on it. But already a firm determination is taking hold of me - one I must
fight to preserve - to be myself and to escape from this escape, from all my true past self and
sufferings. Up with the individualistic, the truly esoteric self that is me. Up with all those like Ayn
Rand, Leipoldt etc.
For the present period, I am escaping and have escaped from myself. But I plan to return.
Perhaps I am feeling just a little empty now, bitter and disappointed at the crap on the Metempsychosis
that I have led myself on to read, disappointed at my foolishness. But what is foolish about reading and
investigating? Nothing, except that I should not be so foolish, should not be looking along such stupid
paths. Krishnamurti is more right - one must not follow others. I was far more sensible during the
period of my *** in my attempts and feelings: they were natural to me. So what could I gain at the
moment by not being on a fruit diet? I could feel more miserable, which would serve to bring its own
catharsis and remedial action. I am simply a cripple in this "emancipated" condition! I must be a true
omnivore a la Leipoldt. (Thanks must now be offered to him once again. Not only did he depict for me
clearly his darling involvement in the world of nature, and the world of the world, but now he saves me
from my faltering.) I must eat exactly what I want at any moment. The idea of "re-educating taste" is
a dangerous idea, smacking of brainwashing, conditioning etc. If we were corrupted by previous diets
and habits, so that we did not instinctively eat fruit only, then too bad - that is what we had become,
and I rather incline to feel that one must be true to that self, till death, rather than to try to form
a new self.
But now, I don't know, perhaps this is going too far. Was not the honey and vinegar good? Perhaps it
was; it may certainly have improved my health. What about the days in Durban when I was eating so much
Toff-o-luxe? Answer: there was nothing wrong with that. What if this new diet is a chance to become
attractive to women? Answer: to hell with that, I have created myself in adaptation to a previous set
of conditions, learntlive by them - and now I find my life impoverished by the change in conditions. I
will not abandon my sensuality and gourmandism - that would be pure foolishness. Long live greed. To
hell even with health - we have to die in any case. In this I am certainly with Galsworthy's heroes.
To hell with ascetic ideals.
I must eat what I want at any moment - we must always indulge our desires - desires are precious, the
only source of satisfaction, and any denial of desires is a pointless and harmful experiment. Once we
deny desires, what is left? Or if I am denying one desire (e.g. to eat sweets) because of another
stronger desire (e.g. to be healthy) that is fine. I am still on balance indulging desire, not
resisting it. Indulge the balance of desire.
Pg *,*: Yes, for that calm too there must be appreciation. We will have many moods, not the monotony of
mood made by a monotonous diet. Not even nirvana for me. If that is spirituality, then I am not ready
for it.
Do I want to go back to Oerlikon-philosophy? The fruit gave me an escape from it, an escape of which I
am now tired. On the whole, the nature of the escape was not good enough. It lacked pain, but it also
lacked sufficient beauty. I saw just as much beauty in my previous life. I doubt if I will want to
repeat this particular escape ever. No, boy, if you feel down, then I say, it is essential to: grin and
bear it.
It may be that if my life, being myself, does become insipid to me ever (pain is not insipidity!) I can
retry this escape business.
The earth-person is at the mercy of passing fancies which hurt and must be resisted (to waste money on
unsuitable marriage). But that's OK.
The lesson has been: Don't go against the pleasure principle. Pleasure is sacred! (And so is pain.
Remember that when you get depressed after eating "toxins.")("Toxins" are simply life-giving foods!
Earth-foods!)
Another point is this: omnivores put on weight as they get older, because their no-longer youthful
systems cannot deal with the toxins so effectively any more.
"Last word" upheld now. -No, The dilemma is not yet solved. The possibility of "re-educating one's
tastes" is a very real one, and must be considered by the most developed faculty of wisdom we can
muster. It is a great problem. The lure of the fruit diet, as I see it at this moment, is the obvious:
exit obesity, exit illness. Against this, I can find very little! Against the fruit, I mean, for one's
tastes are presumably re-educatable, one cannot relly go back at once to the old things. To sacrifice
those things seems on the whole worth while. (To sacrifice bread and butter and cheese mainly).
Next morning - (Fri): Last night I broke the diet to eat a piece of cheese. How do I feel now? I feel
that the mass of arguments and counter-arguments, all this mass of words, is futile and must be
abandoned. I am in a very deep and uncomprehensible position, and I must avoid all "ideas",
"motivations", etc and feel my way by instinct and intuition and impulse. It is, actually, very hard to
know exactly how much power and credence one ought to give to the ideas that would possess one.
Nevertheless, two questions:
(1) What do you live for on omni-diet?
(2) What do you live for on fruit diet?
Answers:
(1) You live to be what you are, which is a stinking, self-repulsive being.
(2) You progress towards a narcissistic, if not social, ideal.
Momentary choice: (2).
Try for (2), but not too hard, or too fanatically. That is what I have been doing, the last three weeks.
I must remember: I have not yet reached the goal of this experiment. The goal is the non-tired, non-
mucus exuding purified system.
A note: This, the second and more minor defeat suffered on the road to this goal, was preceded by 80
push-ups a day and 40 cush-ups a day, also heavy study of Yogi philosophy. It is, I think, wrong to
burden the convalescent organism so heavily, and I must reduce this burden.
10 a.m. 12-2-71 (Fri)
Goodbye to the fruit diet, it seems. I've just had rye and butter; already I feel the shock to my
fruit-evolved system: the weight, the heaviness, the lowering of my health, the hastening of my death.
(Of course if I get too low, I can always take a cure.) But this time I am with it. The supreme health
I had was simply too boring: health alone is not enough, we crave pleasure and we must not resist
temptation unnecessarily, else we are simply denying life. Life is tough, but I must not deny life or
run from it into that healthy nothingness. Rather pain, with its reactions and moments of pleasure,
than that nothingness and emptiness. Health is not living: the organism seeks mmisery, consciously and
unconsciously, thru the working of natural laws. Hail to depression, but I shall stand and fight thee,
not run away!
3.30 phone with Lorna: fruit is perfect health, beauty, monotony and boredom: no motive for living. I
want to be miserable and to have my ups and downs.
8.45 p.m.: I am keen at this moment to go the whole fruit hog - to commit myself - to take a chance - to
have the courage, as Krok said. What an adventure this! And so what if it kills me! I am attracted by
the idea of perfect health, which does seem quite probably inherent in the fruuit diet. I want to burn
my boats. I am sick of this shilly-shallying. Either I go the whole road to toxinlessness, or else I
have done nothing at all.
